Monday 11 February 2013

Why I should be the new Pope by Ben Davis, aged 26

Dear Vatican,

How's it going? I know you must be busy, what with the Pope announcing he's resigning, and I can totally understand that. But now might be the perfect opportunity for you to have a bit of fun. I mean, I remember when I worked at McDonalds and our manager quit, I went crazy! I found the drawer where they kept the stars and awarded myself a thousand, someone asked for a plain burger, so I stuck some wings on it, and I sang Meatloaf songs into the ordering system at the drive thru. That was until my so-called best friend Fat Barry grassed me up to Head Office and got me sacked, just because he wanted to be promoted to Saturday Team Leader.

'Yes, you are a powerful man now, Fat Barry, but at what cost?' I used to shout at him over the ordering system at the drive thru every Saturday. And he'd be all like, 'What have I told you about using the ordering system for illegitimate purposes? And anyway, stop calling me Fat Barry, you're fatter than I am now.' And I'd say, 'That's not true, Fat Barry, and anyway, I do have a legitimate purpose, I want a large Big Mac meal with strawberry milkshake and an apple pie.'

What was I saying? Oh yes, I am writing to you to apply for the vacant position of Pope. I have enclosed a list of reasons why I would make a great Pope, along with my phone number and a pack of Love Hearts. Can you get them in Italy? If not, I shall have to have them shipped over. Anyway, the first sweet says, 'Kiss Me, Sexy,' but you don't have to.

Reasons Why I Should be Pope

To show my so-called best friend Fat Barry that I do look good in a hat, even though he says my head's too big.

2. The last Pope's name was Benedict, my name is Ben. You won't even have to change his letterheads. Just cross out 'edict.' But once I'm in power, don't cross out my edicts.

3. I will use my Papal Infallibility only for good. For example, whilst playing Scrabble with my so-called best friend Fat Barry and he's trying to say that 'Bumwidget' isn't a word, and I'll be all like, 'Check the hat, Fat Barry, I'm Pope and I can't be wrong.' I also may use it to play and win the TV game show Pointless.

4. I'm not afraid to change things. You see, I'm not being funny, but some of your stuff is a bit wacky. Especially all that 'every sperm is a human life' stuff. Many young lads have gone to bed, dreamt about Scarlett Johansson and woke up to discover they've committed genocide in their pyjamas. You can't expect them to live with such guilt.
Also, I would let people wear condoms. I would even go back in time and give condoms to the parents of my so-called best friend Fat Barry.

5. I would be a 21st Century Pope. For example, instead of rasping on and on about God and that in about fifteen different languages, I'd ride up the aisle on a skateboard, execute a wicked grind off the font, then talk for about ten minutes about how kick-ass the latest series of Breaking Bad is, before leaving on a jet pack. Translations will then be read by a troupe of multilingual trampolining clowns.
This may all sound very radical to you, but don't forget, change is good, and I'm sure you appreciate that. Unlike my so-called best friend Fat Barry who got all whiny, just because I wrapped all his possessions in tin foil.

So that's that. I look forward to hearing from you ASAP.

Your pal,


P.S. If you can't manage this, can you at least get Jesus to write my so-called best friend Fat Barry a letter, saying how disappointed he is in him? Cheers.

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