Today has been the worst day ever. Not of all time; it's not worse than 9/11 or anything like that, but it's definitely a personal worst.
Reasons why today was the worst day ever
1. I got out of the wrong side of the bed. That might not sound so bad, but that side is where I keep my mousetraps.
2. My so-called best friend Fat Barry kicked my snowman over. When I asked why he was all, 'Blah, blah, blah, you need to grow up. Blah, blah, blah, take some responsibility. Blah, blah, blah, you shouldn't have built it in my kitchen.' Whatever. Geek.
3. I went to a fancy restaurant and had to send my filet mignon back because it was undercooked. Alright, I went to a Wetherspoons and had to send my mixed grill back because the sausage was mouldy. Alright, alright, I took my Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle back to the offy because I found a mouse's head in it. Happy now?
5. I accidentally swallowed the number four key from my keyboard.
6. I told my doctor about the above and he told me I'd need to check my poo for it. Then he said, 'Normally you get number twos coming out of there, not number fours,' and then laughed like he was some kind of comedy genius. When I left the surgery, I could hear him repeating the gag to his receptionists. Whatever happened to confidentiality?
7. I was doing the ironing and the phone rang and I almost put the iron to my ear. Luckily, I didn't, but when I answered the phone, it was someone calling me rude names. I bet it was my so-called best friend Fat Barry.
8. While I was toilet-papering my so-called best friend Fat Barry's house in retaliation, I fell and dislocated my face.
9. I applied to join a modelling agency, and they've just got back to me saying that based on my headshots, I'd make a great bum model.
10. I got Pancake day and Valentine's Day mixed up, so now tomorrow, Scarlett Johansson is going to open an envelope of milk, flour and eggs.
11. I ate loads of prunes to get rid of number four. It worked, but now my keyboard smells really bad and the number four has stopped functioning altogether. In retrospect, I probably should have wiped it first, but I used the last of my toilet paper on my so-called best friend Fat Barry's house.