Saturday, 16 February 2013

Idea for a story

A man is born with a unique special power.

Everything he touches turns to cheese!

He decides to use his ability to his advantage, and becomes the CEO of a multi-billion dollar cheese manufacturing company. Eventually, he falls in love and marries the woman of his dreams.
Sadly, when the ceremony is over and he kisses his bride, she turns into Gouda. On the bright side, nobody goes hungry at the reception.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Today's to-do list

1. Buy variety pack of cereal.

2. Taste each cereal and rate out of ten.

3. Collate data on graph and check for correlation between high rankings and sugar content.

4. Weep.

5. Try and write new chapter of novel, resolve problem of whether Billy should use his pet shark for good or evil.

6. Weep again.

7. Wait for the postman to arrive. When he does, say, 'They're not bills, are they?' and laugh. If he says no, but it turns out they are, chase him down the road screaming 'LIAR!'

8. Call my so-called best friend Fat Barry and make sure he's at work.

9. Go to my so-called best friend Fat Barry's house and use my new extremely long-handled fork (8ft) to steal sausages from his kitchen work top. If window isn't open, buy sausages.

10. Eat sausages. If they do not meet my standards, write letter of complaint to supermarket if bought from there, or Fat Barry if stolen from there.

11. Use extremely long-handled fork to retrieve remote control from under sofa.

12. Watch Question Time and clap every time someone makes a good point.

13. Rue the day I installed a clap operated lighting system.

14. Tell all my Facebook friends that I'm at a party with loads of supermodels in Milan. When my so-called best friend Fat Barry says, 'No you're not, because I can see your living room lights going on and off,' say, 'Me no speaka de English,' and log off quickly.

15. Go to bed and count sheep.

16. Rethink business plan of starting a wool farm in my bedroom.

17. Sleep. Try to dream about sexy ladies and/or possible lottery numbers. Not dragons.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

The worst day ever

Today has been the worst day ever. Not of all time; it's not worse than 9/11 or anything like that, but it's definitely a personal worst.

Reasons why today was the worst day ever

1. I got out of the wrong side of the bed. That might not sound so bad, but that side is where I keep my mousetraps.

2. My so-called best friend Fat Barry kicked my snowman over. When I asked why he was all, 'Blah, blah, blah, you need to grow up. Blah, blah, blah, take some responsibility. Blah, blah, blah, you shouldn't have built it in my kitchen.' Whatever. Geek.

3. I went to a fancy restaurant and had to send my filet mignon back because it was undercooked. Alright, I went to a Wetherspoons and had to send my mixed grill back because the sausage was mouldy. Alright, alright, I took my Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle back to the offy because I found a mouse's head in it. Happy now?

5. I accidentally swallowed the number four key from my keyboard.

6. I told my doctor about the above and he told me I'd need to check my poo for it. Then he said, 'Normally you get number twos coming out of there, not number fours,' and then laughed like he was some kind of comedy genius. When I left the surgery, I could hear him repeating the gag to his receptionists. Whatever happened to confidentiality?

7. I was doing the ironing and the phone rang and I almost put the iron to my ear. Luckily, I didn't, but when I answered the phone, it was someone calling me rude names. I bet it was my so-called best friend Fat Barry.

8. While I was toilet-papering my so-called best friend Fat Barry's house in retaliation, I fell and dislocated my face.

9. I applied to join a modelling agency, and they've just got back to me saying that based on my headshots, I'd make a great bum model.

10. I got Pancake day and Valentine's Day mixed up, so now tomorrow, Scarlett Johansson is going to open an envelope of milk, flour and eggs.

11. I ate loads of prunes to get rid of number four. It worked, but now my keyboard smells really bad and the number four has stopped functioning altogether. In retrospect, I probably should have wiped it first, but I used the last of my toilet paper on my so-called best friend Fat Barry's house.

Monday, 11 February 2013

Why I should be the new Pope by Ben Davis, aged 26

Dear Vatican,

How's it going? I know you must be busy, what with the Pope announcing he's resigning, and I can totally understand that. But now might be the perfect opportunity for you to have a bit of fun. I mean, I remember when I worked at McDonalds and our manager quit, I went crazy! I found the drawer where they kept the stars and awarded myself a thousand, someone asked for a plain burger, so I stuck some wings on it, and I sang Meatloaf songs into the ordering system at the drive thru. That was until my so-called best friend Fat Barry grassed me up to Head Office and got me sacked, just because he wanted to be promoted to Saturday Team Leader.

'Yes, you are a powerful man now, Fat Barry, but at what cost?' I used to shout at him over the ordering system at the drive thru every Saturday. And he'd be all like, 'What have I told you about using the ordering system for illegitimate purposes? And anyway, stop calling me Fat Barry, you're fatter than I am now.' And I'd say, 'That's not true, Fat Barry, and anyway, I do have a legitimate purpose, I want a large Big Mac meal with strawberry milkshake and an apple pie.'

What was I saying? Oh yes, I am writing to you to apply for the vacant position of Pope. I have enclosed a list of reasons why I would make a great Pope, along with my phone number and a pack of Love Hearts. Can you get them in Italy? If not, I shall have to have them shipped over. Anyway, the first sweet says, 'Kiss Me, Sexy,' but you don't have to.

Reasons Why I Should be Pope

To show my so-called best friend Fat Barry that I do look good in a hat, even though he says my head's too big.

2. The last Pope's name was Benedict, my name is Ben. You won't even have to change his letterheads. Just cross out 'edict.' But once I'm in power, don't cross out my edicts.

3. I will use my Papal Infallibility only for good. For example, whilst playing Scrabble with my so-called best friend Fat Barry and he's trying to say that 'Bumwidget' isn't a word, and I'll be all like, 'Check the hat, Fat Barry, I'm Pope and I can't be wrong.' I also may use it to play and win the TV game show Pointless.

4. I'm not afraid to change things. You see, I'm not being funny, but some of your stuff is a bit wacky. Especially all that 'every sperm is a human life' stuff. Many young lads have gone to bed, dreamt about Scarlett Johansson and woke up to discover they've committed genocide in their pyjamas. You can't expect them to live with such guilt.
Also, I would let people wear condoms. I would even go back in time and give condoms to the parents of my so-called best friend Fat Barry.

5. I would be a 21st Century Pope. For example, instead of rasping on and on about God and that in about fifteen different languages, I'd ride up the aisle on a skateboard, execute a wicked grind off the font, then talk for about ten minutes about how kick-ass the latest series of Breaking Bad is, before leaving on a jet pack. Translations will then be read by a troupe of multilingual trampolining clowns.
This may all sound very radical to you, but don't forget, change is good, and I'm sure you appreciate that. Unlike my so-called best friend Fat Barry who got all whiny, just because I wrapped all his possessions in tin foil.

So that's that. I look forward to hearing from you ASAP.

Your pal,


P.S. If you can't manage this, can you at least get Jesus to write my so-called best friend Fat Barry a letter, saying how disappointed he is in him? Cheers.

Sunday, 10 February 2013

Some facts about me

One of my favourite things to do is to make lists. I make to-do lists every single day, even if I have only one thing to do. And that thing is to make a list.

Anyway, as this is a new blog, I thought a good first list would be one where you get to learn some stuff about me, so here it is:

  1. I am a man.
  2. When I was a kid I got Eddie 'the Eagle' Edwards's autograph. He drew a picture of a bloke skiing down a mountain. I lost it shortly afterwards.
  3. I know the Bull Boys shoes commercial from 1996 off by heart.
  4. I can sense trifle within a 500 yard radius.
  5. I once watched an entire episode of Take Me Out thinking it was a Deal or no Deal thicko's special.
  6. If you say my name into your bathroom mirror three times I will climb through it and steal your fancy soap.
  7. I was once bitten by a radioactive duck. The only superpower I got was a craving to lie in the bath and eat bread.
  8. The last time I played Tig was on the last day of primary school. When the bell rang for the end of the day, I was still on. Nobody has come within arms reach of me for sixteen years.
  10. I have an irrational fear of the number nine.
  11. I may have made some of these facts up.

Saturday, 9 February 2013


So here's the thing. I'm a writer. Now you're probably thinking, 'What gives him the right to call himself that?' And my reply is simple: how are you receiving this information right now? You're reading it, aren't you? And these words have been written down by me. Ergo, I'm a writer.

And as a writer, the main question I get asked (other than 'what are you doing, going through my bins?') is 'how do you write?' Well, dear reader, I'm going to answer that for you, and by following these simple instructions, you can become as good a writer as what I am.

Step 1 - Sit down

This is very important. If you do insist on ignoring this step, then I am obliged to warn you that you run the risk of back and wrist problems. 
Now, you may be thinking, 'Yeah, it's alright for you, Mr Moneybags, with all your chairs, but what about me?' Well, sitting down is not as expensive as you might think. If you don't own any chairs, simply sit on the ground. Other cheap chair alternatives include milk crates, tree stumps or your partner/spouse.

Hey! Get off your phone and start writing!

Step 2 - Find something to write on

Are you sitting down? Good. Step 2 is arguably more important than Step 1, because even though you may have all kinds of incredible ideas buzzing around your brain, what good are they if you have nothing to write them down on?
Ideally, you will need a laptop computer. It doesn't have to be state-of-the-art like mine (pictured below) but it should have a word processing program, such as Microsoft Word, Open Office or Caxton.  

I've just got it hooked up to the interweb.
If you can't afford a computer, then a pen and paper will do. I would urge you to buy a pack of ten Bic biros, and at least a ream of paper, as research suggests that most bestselling novels are longer than ten pages.

Step 3 - Increase your WORD POWER

Everybody knows that a book is only any good if it has loads of words in it that you don't understand. This shows that the author has WORD POWER, and a far superior brain to you.
But they weren't born that way, they had to work at it. I myself read the Oxford English Dictionary from cover to cover at least once a week, which means that my WORD POWER is now really . . . proper . . . good.
If you can't afford a dictionary and are banned from your local library, then simply start watching Countdown

I never miss it.

Step 4 - Think of something to write about

Inspiration may strike at any time so always carry a notebook. If you cannot afford a notebook, the back of your hand and/or the forehead of a friend or relative will suffice.
Struggling to come up with an idea? Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. In these situations, a good exercise is to take an existing story and give it a little twist to make it your own. For example, I wrote a series of novels about a plucky little lizard that was actually based on other books that don't have lizards in them. But it was enough of a twist to make it completely unique, and I'm happy to say that the following books are now available online:

  • Larry Lizard and the Philosopher's Stone
  • Larry Lizard and the Chamber of Secrets
  • Larry Lizard and the Prisoner of Azkaban
  • Larry Lizard and the Goblet of Fire
  • Larry Lizard and the Order of the Phoenix
  • Larry Lizard and the Half-Blood Prince
  • Larry Lizard and the Deathly Hallows Parts One and Two
  • Fifty Shades of Larry Lizard

See? Completely unique.

Step 5 - Write it all down

This is the easy bit. Don't bother planning anything, just stick it on paper. A character's name changes from Bill to Lucy in between chapters thirty and forty? Forget it, he could have had a sex change. Spelling mistakes? That's what the spellcheck is for. NB: If you are writing with pen and paper and thus don't have spellcheck, simply draw a paperclip on each page to create the illusion.
When you're finished, write THE END, otherwise the reader won't know where the rest of the book is and is liable to become confused and start digging at the table beneath the book thinking the answer is hidden there. And it almost never is.

Step 6 - Get it published

Have you finished? Good, you're ready to start sending that bad boy out to publishers.
Firstly, make photocopies of your story so you can send it to loads at the same time. If you cannot locate a photocopier, simply write your novel in fountain pen and press the page against another when it is done to create an impression.
Naturally, every publisher in the world is going to be champing at the bit to get your book, so your letter to them should reflect your confidence. Here is the letter I used when sending out my latest novel, Girl with the Larry Lizard Tattoo,

Yo, mush,

I've wanged a copy of my book in this envelope. Read it and get back to me soon as, yeah, cos I'm a busy man.



I only sent that last week and I've already heard back from one big publisher. Incidentally, does anyone know what 'restraining order' means?

Step 7 - Bask in glory

So now you're a bestselling novelist. Enjoy. You've earned it. 

You, earlier.

Now, you couldn't have done it without these tips, could you? So I want my cut. Twenty per cent, plus vig. And don't keep me waiting, 'cause I'm an impatient man, capische?

Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, then don't hesitate to get in touch. I charge £25 per question, or five for £90, which is a pretty good deal.

Happy writing!