Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Happy Birthday to me

Well, it was my 27th birthday recently. I know, I'm shocked, too. I mean, just the other day, I was asked for ID in ASDA. But in fairness, I had no business being in the cash office.

When you get to my age, you begin to see birthdays for what they really are; a celebration of the fact that you happened to have been born on this particular day a while ago, and haven't died in the meantime. Having said that, it's always nice to get presents, so I thought I'd share this year's haul with you.

From my wife: South Park cupcakes!

As I say, 27 years old.

What's best about these is no matter how many times you eat the Kenny cake, it keeps coming back! HAAAA HA HA HA HAAAA!

From my parents:  A bottle of sambuca.

Not to scale.

For anyone who doesn't know what sambuca is, it's a tasty liquid that, when consumed in large quantities, can make you run down the street in nothing but your tighty-whiteys singing 'Tomorrow' from the hit stage musical Annie.
NB: If anyone who lives in my area sees me doing this in the near future, it's probably best not to approach me, as I may be dangerous.

From my sister: Justin Bieber's Greatest Hits.

I don't care what anyone says, there is nothing punchable about that face. Nothing.

Anyone who knows me will tell you how much I love the Bieb. I'm a Belieber and I couldn't lieb her if I tried. So, naturally, when I unwrapped Bieber's Greatest Hits on my birthday, I was so excited, I ran outside and accidentally kicked my so-called best friend Fat Barry's Mondeo.
I can't believe I finally have all of Bieb's hits on one album. It really is a dream come true. But don't take my word for it, here's the tracklisting:

1. Baby, baby, baby, oh!
2. Baby, baby, baby, oh! (Techno remix)
3. Bebe, bebe, bebe, aye! (Spanish version)
4. Bambino, bambino, bambino, ohhhhhhh! (Italian version)
5. That Christmas song he did.
6. That Christmas song he did with Mariah Carey, You know, the one with the video where she acts like an embarrassing aunt at a wedding?
7. Baby, baby, baby, oh! (Karaoke version)
8. I really want you to be my girlfriend.
9. I don't want you to be my girlfriend any more.
10. Baby, baby, baby, oh, eight hundred, double oh, ten sixty six. (Hastings Direct remix)
11, That other Christmas song he did. Was it called Biebing around the Christmas tree?
12. I know I said I didn't want you to be my girlfriend before, but now I've changed my mind.
13. You waited two hours to watch me mime this.
14. Baby, baby, baby oh! (Acoustic)
15. That song he did with Pitbull. I presume he has done a song with Pitbull. I mean, everyone else has, haven't they?
16. Baby, baby, baby, oh, oh, oh, atchoo! (Justin has a cold remix)
17. That other Christmas song he did.

Not a weak track among them.

From my so-called best friend fat Barry: Nothing.

This is what nothing looks like.

Well, I say nothing, but it might as well be. It was just a stinking photo album, with pictures of the two of us in it, right from when we were kids. That must have cost him hardly anything. What a rubbish present. Of course, I didn't say this to his face, but the loud raspberry I blew when I unwrapped it may have subtly hinted at my true feelings.

So that's it for another year. I'm off to eat cupcakes, drink sambuca and listen to the best music ever made. See you around, Beliebers!