Friday 11 April 2014

An Interview with Joe Cowley

Sophocles, Kant, Schopenhauer, that old bloke off Gogglebox. These are the great thinkers of human history. Joe Cowley is not in their league, regardless of what he might tell you. 

To celebrate the publication of the first volume of his secret online missives, I sat down with Joe for an exclusive interview. I wanted to find out more about the boy behind the blog.

I wish I hadn't bothered.

Hello Joe. Thanks for agreeing to do this interview.
Yeah. OK. Cheers.
Sorry, what’s this about again?

Nothing much. I just wanted to talk to you about your blog.
My blog? I haven’t got a blog. You must be thinking of some other person. Some blogger with the same name as me.
I mean, what is a blog anyway? My mate Ad thinks its what happens when you eat loads of blue smarties and then go for a dump.
So, as I was saying, I haven’t got a blog.

Who told you about my blog?

That’s not important.
Yes it cocking well is. It’s supposed to be private. I bet it was Gav. Sweet Jesus, that moron is determined to RUIN MY LIFE.

Calm down, Joe.
That’s it. I’m just going to have to leave the country. I hear nice things about Estonia.

It’s OK, you don’t have to leave the country. Tell me, why did you start your blog?
I suppose I did it to try and sort my life out. I mean, I just had so many bad things happen to me that I thought writing them down would help me make sense of them. And now it seems I have one more to add to the list.

So you had a lot of problems?
Did I have a lot of problems? That’s like asking Counsellor Troi if she has a lot of emphatic powers.

Um . . . does that mean yes?
You bet your stinking bum it does. I had so many problems, it would have made Jay Z cack himself.

Can you be more specific?
About Jay Z cacking himself?

No (takes a moment of compose myself) I meant about the problems that led you to start your blog.
All right. Try this on for size:
  • ·       My so-called best mates were trying to get me killed in a bid to win £250 from You’ve Been Framed.
  • ·         My arch-enemy Gav James’ campaign of terror against me showed no signs of letting up.
  • ·         My parents got divorced.
  • ·         I threw up over Louise Bentley at the fair after the waltzers made me nauseous.
  • ·         I gained the nickname ‘Puke Skywalker’ at school for the above reason.
  • ·         The love of my life, Lisa Hall didn’t even know I existed.
  • ·         Even if she did, I couldn’t talk to her without going all weird. This once, she asked me the time, and I replied ‘September.’
  • ·         IT WAS APRIL!

 That does sound like an awful lot to deal with. So, did keeping the blog help you sort your life out at all?
Did it hell. If anything, things got even more complicated.

So why did you keep it up?
I don't know, really. I suppose I like to think that thousands of years from now, when humanity is extinct and aliens come and look over the wreckage of our once-great civilisation, they will find my blog and figure out why we were doomed as a species.

You sound like a very gloomy person, Joe.
Wouldn’t you be, if you had my life?

Well, probably.
Anyway, enough about me. Who are you? Why are you asking me all these questions? Oh my God, are you an alien?

*Facepalms* Yes, Joe. I’m an alien.
Ah, brilliant. Can you take me back to your planet with you?

No. No I can’t.
[Sighs] Rejected again.

The Private Blog of Joe Cowley is available to buy from the following retailers:

Just don't tell Joe.

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