Thursday 12 June 2014


Hello football fans!

Can you believe it has been four years since the last World Cup? I can, because they're always every four years. What a stupid thing to say.

Anyway, as I am a top-notch football pundit, I have delivered my verdict on Roy Hodgkinson's 23 man squad. WARNING: Contains in-depth analysis - like a cross between Alan Hansen and Data from off of Star Trek.

1. Joe Hart
Joe Hart is the latest in a proud sporting dynasty, following in the footsteps of Bret, Owen and Jim "the Anvil" Neid. He has featured recently in advertisements for a well-known shampoo. His team mates mock him for this but are secretly envious of his shine and bounce.

2. Glen Johnson
Glen Johnson is England's right-back. This is very similar to what I put at the end of my letters to Barry Chuckle. Thus far, he never has.

3. Leighton Baines
Left-back. Also, a town near Milton Keynes.

4. Steven Gerrard
Has the smallest forehead of any England captain since Freddie "Tiny Brow" Basset in 1925.

5. Gary Cahill
Replacement for famous philanderer, John Terry.

6. Phil Jagielka
I saw him in a pub once. I kept shouting, 'I GOT THE MOVES LIKE JAGIELKA' at him. We both had a few good laughs about it, then he pummelled me until I haemorrhaged.

7. Jack Wilshere
People who criticise Wilshere for his poor fitness record should remember that considering his legs are made from newspaper and straw, he is actually doing OK.

8. Frank Lampard
The reason Lank Frampard points at the sky after he scores is because he wants to appease the rain gods.

9. Daniel Sturridge
His surname was invented for poets who had nothing to rhyme 'courage' with.

10. Wayne Rooney
FOOTBALL FACT: I have scored the same amount of World Cup goals as Wayne Rooney.

11. Danny Welbeck
Visually reminiscent of 7-Up mascot, Fido Dido.

12. Chris Smalling
Smalling was personally selected by former Man Utd boss, Sir Alex Ferguson to be a defender at Old Trafford. This hasn't quite panned out, but he has since flourished in the HR department.

13. Ben Foster
The best player. Us Bens have to stick together.

14. Jordan Henderson
Has a name like the hardest kid on the estate.

15. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain
Has a name like the wimpiest kid on the estate.

16. Phil Jones
Have you seen the face on him? He looks like a constipated farmhand.

17. James Milner
Winner of 'Thickest Neck Award' at the last World Cup.

18. Rickie Lambert
Back in Sid Owen's Eastenders heyday, life was tough for this Liverpudlian striker.

19. Raheem Sterling
They all go on about how quick he is but whenever I bang on his front door, he takes ages to answer. Most of the time, he doesn't even bother.

20. Adam Lallana
The fact that fans don't chant his name to the tune of 'La Bamba' is everything that is wrong with this world.

21. Ross Barkley
Apparently, he was late for the team coach. I wouldn't have had that if I was Roy Hodgkinson. I'd have left him to make his own way and chucked his case into a puddle.

22. Fraser Forster
Fraser Forster found fifty five fingered ferrets farting furiously in his Ford Focus.

23. Luke Shaw
(1st draft of a new chant I'm working on.)

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