My new career

So I've decided to start a new career. Don't get me wrong, being a writer is fun. It's an exciting lifestyle. It's all parties*, drugs** and loose women***.

* Tupperware
** Lemsip
*** The ITV chat show.

But it doesn't make me feel like a useful member of society. I mean, if a cat gets stuck up a tree, the owners don't call a writer, do they?

If my words could build a ladder . . . Ah balls to it, pass me a rock.

Anyway, my quest to become a pillar of the community hasn't been easy. First, I tried to become a freelance fire fighter. This didn't go well. The head fire guy was kind of annoyed with me. He was all, 'you're not properly trained,' and 'you're going to kill someone' and 'a Supersoaker is not a recognised piece of fire fighting equipment.'

I've had it up to HERE with your "roo-ules!"

And my career as an entrepreneur was equally short-lived.

One day the world will be ready for the pumpkin hat. One day.

Then one afternoon, when I was watching Magnum PI and picking my belly button fluff, I had a brain wave. It was his face that did it. That rugged face.

If you're not on birth control, chances are you're now pregnant.

As soon as I saw him, I knew I had it! I was going to become a moustache comb salesman! Then, when that didn't work out, I realised what epiphany I was supposed to have had in the first place:

I was going to become a private detective!

I rented an office, I bought a hat and I took up smoking. All I needed was clients. Stay tuned for what happened next.

How's about THAT for a cliffhanger?