Today's to-do list

1. Buy variety pack of cereal.

2. Taste each cereal and rate out of ten.

3. Collate data on graph and check for correlation between high rankings and sugar content.

4. Weep.

5. Try and write new chapter of novel, resolve problem of whether Billy should use his pet shark for good or evil.

6. Weep again.

7. Wait for the postman to arrive. When he does, say, 'They're not bills, are they?' and laugh. If he says no, but it turns out they are, chase him down the road screaming 'LIAR!'

8. Call my so-called best friend Fat Barry and make sure he's at work.

9. Go to my so-called best friend Fat Barry's house and use my new extremely long-handled fork (8ft) to steal sausages from his kitchen work top. If window isn't open, buy sausages.

10. Eat sausages. If they do not meet my standards, write letter of complaint to supermarket if bought from there, or Fat Barry if stolen from there.

11. Use extremely long-handled fork to retrieve remote control from under sofa.

12. Watch Question Time and clap every time someone makes a good point.

13. Rue the day I installed a clap operated lighting system.

14. Tell all my Facebook friends that I'm at a party with loads of supermodels in Milan. When my so-called best friend Fat Barry says, 'No you're not, because I can see your living room lights going on and off,' say, 'Me no speaka de English,' and log off quickly.

15. Go to bed and count sheep.

16. Rethink business plan of starting a wool farm in my bedroom.

17. Sleep. Try to dream about sexy ladies and/or possible lottery numbers. Not dragons.