Attack of the Zilgrids: An Ultra Boy and Wonder Dog Story.

The Power Ship juddered as another Zilgrid Death Ray smashed into its wing.
‘We’re losing power,’ cried Anti-Matter Kid, pounding the console.
Ultra Boy wrenched the rudder to the left, narrowly avoiding another barrage from the Zilgrid vessel. ‘We might be losing power, but we’ll never lose faith, will we Wonder Dog?
Wonder Dog, resplendent in his space suit, yipped his assent before pressing the fire button, sending a missile crashing into the heart of the enemy ship.
‘Good shot, boy!’ said Ultra Boy.
All three members of the Intergalactic Power Squad were close, but Ultra Boy and Wonder Dog had a special bond. They grew up together on the planet Jinx and hadn't spent a single day apart. They had a telepathic understanding; each of them knowing what move the other was going to make.
The Zilgrids were far from the first hostile force they had encountered since they began their intergalactic adventures, but they were certainly one of the toughest. Their Death Rays were incredibly difficult to outmanoeuvre and caused more damage than the Power Ship had sustained in years.
‘I guess this is why they don't call them Snuggly Cuddle Rays,’ says Anti-Matter Kid, as another one took off a chunk of the fuselage.
The communications screen sputtered into life and Duke Zilgrid appeared, an enormous grin stretched across his head, which was the exact size and colour of a watermelon.
‘We've got you now, Intergalactic Power Squad,’ he cackled. ‘Prepare to be boarded.’
Ultra Boy’s heart pounded. No. The Power Ship was sacrosanct. It had never been invaded by enemy forces. It was their safe space. ‘Oh no you don't,’ he said. ‘Anti-Matter Kid, engage shields.’
Anti-Matter Kid shook his head frantically. ‘It’s no good. That last hit took them out.’
Duke Zilgrid laughed again, this time louder. ‘There's no point fighting it. We're coming aboard.’
Before they could do anything to stop it, the air behind them fizzed blue until it formed two shapes, which were unmistakably Zilgrid; hefty and thick. When they came into focus, Ultra Boy recognised them instantly. It was Ethanium and Tyleriak Zilgrid; two of the galaxy’s most wanted criminals. They had been terrorising every planet they could get into and showed no sign of slowing down.
‘Nice ship, freakazoids,’ Tyleriak sneered. ‘I've been in better smelling toilets than this.’
Ethanium grunted with laughter and slapped his grotesque brother on the back. ‘Good one, mate.’
Ultra Boy sprang to his feet and pointed his Ultra Ray Gun at them. ‘I order you to leave this ship immediately.’
The Zilgrids chuckled, and Ethanium held up one of his calloused hands. The gun vibrated and Ultra Boy watched with a mixture of horror and amazement as the power dropped to zero.
‘How did you do that?’ Ultra Boy whispered.
‘How did you do that?’ Ethanium and Tyleriak mimicked him in high-pitched voices.
Wonder Dog growled ominously as they approached, but didn't attack. He knew they were too powerful.
‘What do you want?’ said Ultra Boy.
Ethanium and Tyleriak sniggered at each other as they made their way to the comms screen and faced then.
‘We want him,’ said Ethanium, pointing at Anti-Matter Kid with a thick, green finger.
‘Why do you want Anti-Matter Kid?’ Ultra Boy asked.
‘We think he'd be a good addition to our team,’ said Tyleriak. ‘He might not look like a Zilgrid, but we're pretty sure he's one of us, deep down.’
Ultra Boy laughed. ‘Well that's all very nice, but you're not having him. Isn't that right, Anti-Matter Kid?’
No answer.
‘Anti-Matter Kid?’
Ultra Boy turned to look at his friend and couldn't believe what he was seeing. Anti-Matter Kid was staring at the two invaders intently, and not with hatred, but with something that might have been admiration.
Ultra Boy went to walk over to his friend, but Tyleriak unholstered his own ray gun and pointed it at him. Ultra Boy knew there must have been Death Rays in there. One blast from that gun would be enough to squelch him into strawberry jam. He held up his hands to show he wasn't trying anything funny and leaned closer to Anti-Matter Kid.
‘You don't believe what they're saying, do you?’ he said to him.
Anti-Matter Kid wouldn't take his eyes off them. It was as if he was hypnotised. ‘I don't know,’ he said, his voice quiet and faraway. ‘Maybe they've got a point.’
‘Are you crazy?’ Ultra Boy cried. ‘They're space pirates! Criminals! That's not you. You belong with me and Wonder Dog. Just like it's always been!’
Anti-Matter Kid looked at his old friend for the first time, but his eyes were still blank.
‘Things have changed,’ he said, robotically. ‘Deep down, I'm a Zilgrid.’
Tyleriak and Ethanium belly-bumped each other and laughed their piggy chuckles. ‘Told you we'd get him,’ Ethanium said.
‘Listen to me, Anti-Matter Kid,’ I said. ‘Remember all the good times we had! The three of us are a team. If one leaves, it will fall apart.’
Anti-Matter Kid slowly turned away and focused on the Zilgrid brothers again. ‘I'm ready to go, now,’ he said, flatly.
Wonder Dog, sensing something was wrong, ran up to Anti-Matter Kid and jumped up, nudging his hand with his nose, but it was as if he wasn't there.
‘Here we go,’ said Tyleriak, pulling a transporter out of his pocket and throwing it on the floor between them, where it glowed white hot.
Anti-Matter Kid walked towards the transporter without looking back. Ultra Boy desperately tried to grab him, but it was too late. With a flash of light, he was gone. Without considering his safety, Ultra Boy dived at Ethanium and Tyleriak but they were gone, too, leaving nothing but their swampy smell.
The Zilgrid ship moved away at warp speed. Ultra Boy and Wonder Dog jumped to the controls but the ship was too damaged to give chase.
‘I'm sure someone will be along to help us soon,’ said Ultra Boy, but the vast lonely blackness outside showed no signs of life.
Wonder Dog hopped over to Ultra Boy’s Seat and snuggled in his lap. ‘At least we have each other,’ said Ultra Boy, his voice tight in his throat.
The ship pitched uneasily and Anti-Matter Kid’s empty seat gently spun, before creaking to a stop.

The Awesomest Kids of All Time

Only a few people ever achieve Awesomeness. And most of those few achieve it later in life, after years of trial and error. A tiny percentage, though, and I’m talking like 0.0000000001% are born Awesome. This post is about them - people that achieved great things before they were old enough to celebrate with a glass of wine.

My latest book, Make Me Awesome is about Freddie; a kid who, for all his positive attributes, was not born Awesome but tries his damnedest to achieve it. He signs up to dodgy life coach Chuck Willard’s Complete Road to Awesomeness Program, but he doesn’t need to bother. He could just take inspiration from these Awesome kids.


Gabrielle Turnquest

Imagine being the cleverest kid in school. Now imagine being so clever, you start studying for a degree when you’re fourteen and graduate when you’re sixteen. Sounds mad, right? But that’s exactly what Garbrielle Turnquest did. And there was me thinking I was a big deal for drawing the best picture of a horsey.

It was the best day of Year Ten.

And that’s not the end of it. After she finished her degree, she went to law school and at eighteen, became the UK’s youngest barrister in six hundred years. When I was eighteen, I was working in an Argos and holding ‘Who can burp the longest competitions’ with my best friend Barry. I mean, yeah I won, but it’s not exactly a law degree, is it? Now I think about it, I should probably take the certificate down.



Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Now, I’m not exactly a cultured person. I mean, I always get Mozart and Beethoven mixed up.

I don't know why. Beethoven's a big, slobbery film dog.

And I shouldn’t, because Mozart was pretty special in his own right. By the age of four, he had already mastered the piano and the violin and had composed his first concerto. That’s right, a concerto. I couldn’t even manage London’s Burning on the recorder when I was four. Come to think of it, I still can’t.

By the time he was six, he was playing for the Emperor, and at nine, he was in demand all over Europe. He was basically the Justin Bieber of his day. Only less annoying.

It’s often said that young Wolfgang was pushed to success by his father, also a keen musician. Which is pretty much the same as when you see Dads screaming at refs at football matches.


Lil Poison

Do you like playing computer games? Do you find yourself gaming when you should be doing homework? Well what if I were to tell you that you can make it your JOB?

That’s exactly what Lil Poison (real name Victor De Leon III) did when he was just six years old. He became so good at Halo that a gaming league signed him up to be a professional gamer. He competed in worldwide tournaments, placing second out of 550 at the Halo 2 FFA tournament in 2003.

Now, I’m not much of a gamer, but it’s bad enough when some teenager whoops me at GTA, never mind a seven year old.

Lil Poison might seem like a strange choice for this list, but he’s as good a choice as anyone. Just because he’s not an academic or musical genius didn’t stop him from making his passion his job. And if that ain’t Awesome, I don’t know what is.



Stevie Wonder

Now, you might know Stevie Wonder as a smiley old fella sitting behind a piano, but he has been in the game since he was knee high to a grasshopper, scoring his first number one hit aged thirteen in 1962. At that point, he’d already been signed to the legendary Motown records for two years, recording, touring and writing songs.

He began playing music at an early age, mastering the piano, harmonica and drums, as well as possessing one of the most recognisable voices in pop history. And he did it all despite losing his sight as a baby.

Stevie is Awesome because he overcame tremendous obstacles to become one of the greatest musicians ever. To quote Mr Wonder himself, ‘Just because a man lacks the use of his eyes doesn’t mean he lacks vision.’



Malala Yousafzai

The story of Malala Yousafzai is one of the most inspirational you will ever hear. As a child, she was a tireless campaigner for the rights of girls and women in her native Swat Valley in Northern Pakistan. She kept an anonymous blog for the BBC, detailing life under the Taliban, who banned girls from attending school. When her identity was revealed, she began publicly advocating for female education and was awarded Pakistan’s National Youth Peace Prize.

However, the forces she was speaking out against were displeased, and sent death threats to Malala. When they didn’t stop her, a Taliban gunman boarded her bus and shot her, the bucket passing through head and neck.

Thankfully, after extensive medical treatments in both Pakistan and the UK, Malala made a full recovery and continued her fight for justice. In 2014, she became the youngest ever recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize and is currently studying Philosophy, Politics and Economics at Oxford University.


So there you have it, my list of Awesome Kids. I hope you enjoyed it. Now of course, the idea of this wasn’t to make you feel bad – I mean, I didn’t do anything close to what these guys achieved when I was a kid. Heck, I still haven’t. I just wanted to show that Awesomeness comes in all shapes and sizes, from being good at music, to computer games to standing up for what you believe in. You can even be Awesome just by petting a dog or helping an old lady across the road. Make sure you do that the right way round, though.



Make Me Awesome is out now!

Vlogging a Dead Horse

Well hello there, you're looking remarkably well. Have you been working out? Me neither.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this post is to tell you about a new thing I'm doing - Vlogging a Dead Horse - a new series on YouTube about writing, books and whatever else pops into my head. Plus, there'll be all kinds of other surprises and whatnot. 

The first episode is up now and features a WORLD EXCLUSIVE Joe Cowley short story set before the first book. So what are you waiting for? Watch the thing so I can become one of those big time YouTubers like Zoeena or Danzig and Philbert.

My Embarrassing Dad's Gone Viral!

Greetings! 

Ben Davis here with a blog about my new book, My Embarrassing Dad's Gone Viral!

It's the story of Nelson - a twelve year old boy whose mum disappears one day, leaving his dad to look after him and his five year old sister, Mary. After a search turns up no clues, Nelson thinks that the best way to get Mum back is to become a famous YouTuber and make enough money so that she'll want to return. However, that plan goes awry when Dad moves the family to the middle of nowhere and enforces a strict no computers or TV rule on them.

Despite that, Nelson continues to secretly make unsuccessful videos until one day, his Dad unwittingly becomes the star of the show and is catapulted to internet fame. Can Nelson get his mum back before his dad finds out just how famous he is? There's only one way to find out!

I made a video about the book for my publisher's sales conference which you can view below:

And to top it all off, MEDGV! has been named a 'Book We Like' by BookTrust (review here) as well as a Young Writers Recommended Read and a Bag of Booklists Book of the Month.

My Embarrassing Dad's Gone Viral! is out now from all the usual places.

Podcast Time!

Hello blog people!

I was recently a guest on the marvellous ThankBookFor podcast. We talked about books, sharks and Marmite. It was loads of fun.

You can listen at ThankBookFor.com or via your preferred podcast-listening app.

Gensundheit!

Q&A Video

Good day! Here is my Q&A video for your perusal . . .

Welcome to Cringefest video

Guten abend! To mark the publication of Welcome to Cringefest this week, I'm making an FAQ video. If you have a burning question about Joe Cowley, writing in general, or what my favourite crisp flavour is*, just write it as a comment, send a PM, or get in touch through my website and I will answer it in the video.

PLUS! Everyone who asks a question will be entered into a draw to win a signed copy of Welcome to Cringefest. A prize potentially worth hundreds of pence.

*Trick question. Twiglets

Welcome to Cringefest

Yes indeed, Joe is back!

Welcome to Cringefest picks up eight months after the end of Return of the Geek. Joe is still desperately sad at losing Natalie, the love of his life, and is determined to win her back.

Of course, because it's Joe, his attempts at talking to her only make things worse, and he is about to give up hope. That is, until he discovers a foolproof strategy, a plan that works in so many TV shows and films -

The Grand Gesture.

In case you're not familiar with Grand Gestures, here are some of the most common examples:

The Rain-Soaked Declaration of Love!

The Last Minute Airport Dash!

And of course . . .

The Standing Outside Her Bedroom Window Like a Big Creepy Freak!

Now, you know what Joe is like and that attempting any of the above activities would be a very bad idea for him, but Joe isn't that clever. And with a VIP trip to Buzzfest, the greatest music festival ever, the opportunities for Grand Gestures (as well as pain, humiliation and degradation) are limitless.

The Private Blog of Joe Cowley: Welcome to Cringefest is out on 7th April from all the usual places. Here is a video I made about it.

Competition time

Good day to you.

I am running a competition to win a siged book over at my Facebook page. Read all about it at the following link: https://www.facebook.com/bendavisauthor/posts/1892152304343905

Right, that'll be all.

As you were.

Joe Cowley 3 Video

Hello!

This is a video I made for my publisher's sales conference. In it, I talk about The Private Blog of Joe Cowley: Welcome to Cringefest.

Apologies for my daft voice/face/dining room.

Danny Dread

Guten tag, mein damen und herren!

As promised, I am back with an all new blogola about an all new bookola.

It's shiny, it excites.

Yes, it's Danny Dread - the tale of a innocent boy born into a family of evil geniuses. Here's the official blurb:

You know how it is when your dad's an evil super villain? 
OK, so maybe you don't, but Danny does. As heir to the Dread dynasty, he's expected to carry on the family business of kidnapping world leaders, maiming innocent bystanders, and brainwashing sharks. You know, general evil stuff. 
The problem is, achieving world domination isn't Danny's idea of fun. In fact, he'd much rather be saving the planet than enslaving it. 
But when Dad Dread hatches his most diabolical scheme yet, Danny realizes that to defeat evil, he's going to have to start thinking evil . . .

Sounds exciting, right? Darn tooting, it does.

If you're reading this as a Joe Cowley fan (does Joe have fans? If he does, what are they called? Cowleibers? No, that's terrible, forget I said anything) you will be pleased to know that there are some similarities between the two characters. They are both misfits and they both have embarrassing dads. They also both harbour ambitions to change and become more powerful.

Other than that, though, they are quite different. Even the way Danny Dread came about was unlike either of the Joe Cowley books. 

The idea for Danny Dread was actually cooked up by my brilliant publisher, OUP - specifically, Commissioning Editor, Clare Whitston and Harriet Rogers, who did such a stellar job designing the first two Joe Cowleys. I am told they came up with it while playing table tennis. Anyway, they asked me if I would be interested in writing a story about a wannabe superhero born into a family of supervillains and it took me about a quarter of a millisecond to say yes. See, I've always been a big superhero fan. I remember this once, at a party, I ran around all night with the hood of my coat over my head, pretending to be Batman. What a twenty-seventh birthday that was.

It was a new experience, writing to spec, but I enjoyed it immensely and had loads of fun crafting a big adventure story, complete with rockets and explosions and maniacal laughter.

The illustrations in Danny Dread are by the brilliant Stephanie Lidbetter. In fact, you can catch a sneaky glimpse of a few of them here. 

That's all from me, as always, if you'd like to get in touch, you can do so here, through my website, my Facebook page, or by standing in front of the mirror at midnight and saying my name three times.

Danny Dread is out on the 6th August 2015 and is available to pre-order from all the usual places.

Joe Cowley book news . . .

Yes, it's the news literally six of you have been waiting for! I can now officially confirm that there will be a third instalment in the Joe Cowley saga. It is called The Private Blog of Joe Cowley: Welcome to Cringefest. It will be published by OUP in April 2016.

I won't say what it's about because that might spoil things for people who haven't got to the end of Return of the Geek yet. (You know the bit I mean, where Mad Morris is eaten by a dinosaur and we find out that Ad is actually a visitor from the planet Plunksplat.) All I will say for now is that it is a tale of love, music and portaloos.

There will be more news to follow soon, including some more info about my upcoming book, Danny Dread. Until then, if you want to get in touch, you can do so here, or via the contact box on my website.

The Private Blog of Joe Cowley: Return of the Geek

HELLO!

In less than a month, my second book comes out. It is called The Private Blog of Joe Cowley: Return of the Geek.

Pwetty cover.

If you've read the first one, and if you haven't, what the HELL is your problem, man? Seriously. Get out. Go on. Out. You disgust me.

Anyway, as I was saying, if you've read the first one, you may be pleased to know that all the original characters are back for this instalment. Characters like:

• JOE!
• GAV!
• NATALIE!
• HARRY!
• AD!
• LISA!
• JOE'S MUM!
• AND HIS DAD!
• SVETLANA!
• JIM!
• DORIS!
• ADWINA!
• GREENY!
• MAD MORRIS!
• MR BOOCOCK!
• AD'S DAD WITH THE MEAT VAN!
• THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN JOE'S BRAIN!

Plus, several new characters, including a dastardly villain called Seb.

The story revolves around Joe's efforts to impress his girlfriend's posh parents while at the same time trying to avoid getting caught up in Harry and Ad's disastrous attempt to win a DJ competition. Add a new set of braces and an overflowing underpants hamper into the mix and you know it is only a matter of time before Joe's life is thrown back into turmoil. Which is how we like it.

The Private Blog of Joe Cowley: Return of the Geek is available to pre-order from all the usual places.

COMPETITION TIME!

Greetings me dears,

I have launched a new competition to win a super good prize.

OK, maybe not super good.

But it's a prize.

That's the main thing.

More info here.

To round things off, here is a picture of a dog recreating the Pixar logo.

Update!

Considering I’ve written two books in blog form, I’m pretty bad at blogging. It has been months since I last wrote anything on here. I do have genuine excuses – deadlines, dodgy health, Football Manager 2015, but the time for excuses is over. It is time to blog.

I recently visited Gosford Hill School where I am Patron of Reading. I met the Year Eight boys’ book group. They had just read Joe Cowley and had loads of great questions for me. I think they were slightly disappointed that the wee balloons bit wasn’t based on a true story, though.

After that, I ran a writing workshop with a class of Year Eight boys. We started off by writing ten word stories before expanding them into longer ones. There were some excellent ideas and some quite frankly bizarre ones. And this is from someone who recently gave some serious thought to writing a story about a haunted settee.

                

Anyway, I had a fantastic time and I’m looking forward to reading some of the finished stories that may come out of our session. And, if they go on to become best-selling novels with block buster film adaptations, I will only ask for seventy per cent of the profits. Pretty reasonable, I think.

                

Now, as a Patron of Reading, it is only right that I should recommend some books. This year has been pretty full-on, so I haven’t read as much as I would have liked, but I have still managed to read some brilliant books. Here are my five recommended reads from 2014.

1.       Who Framed Klaris Cliff? By Nikki Sheehan.

Gripping thriller about imaginary friends and shady government conspiracies. Has an ending that made me go ‘oooooh’ and I’m not someone who goes ‘ooooooh’ willy nilly.

2.       Pants are Everything by Mark Lowery.

Hilarious sequel to the equally brilliant Socks are not Enough. It follows the misfortunes of Michael Swarbrick and his crazy family, including his proud nudist Mum.

3.       Wonder by RJ Palacio.

If you haven’t read Wonder already, get on it. It is amazing. It is about a ten year old boy born with facial deformities and his efforts to fit in at school. There must have been some dust in the room when I was reading it though, because there was definitely something in my eye.

4.       Butter by Erin Lange.

One of the best books about bullying I have ever read. It is at times hard to read because of the viciousness of the bullies, but it is well worth sticking with to the end.

5.       In Bloom by Matthew Crow.

In Bloom is the story of two teenage cancer patients who meet and fall in love. Sound familiar? Well forget comparisons to the Fault in Our Stars, because this book stands out on its own. Stirring, heartbreaking and at times, laugh-out-loud hilarious, when I was reading it I was both awestruck and riddled with jealousy over the fact that I will never write anything this good. Well, except maybe that haunted settee story.

Stick one of those on your Christmas list – I promise you won’t regret it. Now, all there is left for me to do is to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. To get you in that festive mood, I’m going to leave you with my all time favourite Christmas song.

               

 Seriously.

Patron of Reading

Hello blog people!

Sorry I haven’t updated in a while – I’ve had deadlines and talks and the small matter of a Panini World Cup sticker album feud with my so-called best friend, Fat Barry.

Anyway, now I’ve got five minutes, I’m going to blog about something super important: reading.

No, not Reading, reading.

Reading is magic. It is the best thing you can do with your brain. It sparks your imagination and has the power to change your life.

When I was a kid, my favourite book was Matilda by Roald Dahl. It is about a gifted young girl born into a horrible family. Eventually, she realises she has the power of telekinesis – she can move things with her mind. I loved it. Immediately after reading, I ran outside and tried to see if I had the power, too. As soon as Jackson Thorax from the estate up the road went past me doing a wheelie and didn’t fall off, I knew I didn’t. But you see, that is the power of reading.

It is for this reason that I was dead chuffed to have been asked by Gosford Hill School near Oxford to be their Patron of Reading. My brief is to help encourage the pupils there to read more and try my best to promote it as the fun, magical activity we all know it is.

Luckily, the school is already doing an amazing job – the Learning Centre is fantastic and crammed with every book you could ever possibly want.

Except this one.

On the 25^th June, I visited Gosford Hill and spoke to a group of Year Nine pupils.

You might say they look bored, but I'm going with 'entranced.'

I spoke a little bit about how I became an author and about stories in general. We even came up with our own story outline and had a bit of a joke competition.

This was the winning entry. Unbelievable.

Also, Mrs Hedges, the Learning Centre Manager put out free books that the students could take home and keep. BOOKS! FOR FREE! NOWT! I restrained myself and didn’t nick any, you’ll be pleased to hear, but it was difficult.

I also signed a few copies of my own book, but to be honest, I’d have signed other books if they’d have wanted. I’ve been told I forge a good Anthony Horowitz.

I’m looking forward to promoting reading more at Gosford Hill and I’ll be following this post up with a list of my top summer reads.

This is not one of them.

If anyone from Gosford Hill is reading this, I’d be interested to know what your recommended reads are. You can get in touch in the comments here, at my Facebook page, or at my website. 

Linkages
Patron of Reading
Gosford Hill School

WORLD CUP!

Hello football fans!

Can you believe it has been four years since the last World Cup? I can, because they're always every four years. What a stupid thing to say.

Anyway, as I am a top-notch football pundit, I have delivered my verdict on Roy Hodgkinson's 23 man squad. WARNING: Contains in-depth analysis - like a cross between Alan Hansen and Data from off of Star Trek.


1. Joe Hart
Joe Hart is the latest in a proud sporting dynasty, following in the footsteps of Bret, Owen and Jim "the Anvil" Neid. He has featured recently in advertisements for a well-known shampoo. His team mates mock him for this but are secretly envious of his shine and bounce.

2. Glen Johnson
Glen Johnson is England's right-back. This is very similar to what I put at the end of my letters to Barry Chuckle. Thus far, he never has.

3. Leighton Baines
Left-back. Also, a town near Milton Keynes.

4. Steven Gerrard
Has the smallest forehead of any England captain since Freddie "Tiny Brow" Basset in 1925.

5. Gary Cahill
Replacement for famous philanderer, John Terry.

6. Phil Jagielka
I saw him in a pub once. I kept shouting, 'I GOT THE MOVES LIKE JAGIELKA' at him. We both had a few good laughs about it, then he pummelled me until I haemorrhaged.

7. Jack Wilshere
People who criticise Wilshere for his poor fitness record should remember that considering his legs are made from newspaper and straw, he is actually doing OK.

8. Frank Lampard
The reason Lank Frampard points at the sky after he scores is because he wants to appease the rain gods.

9. Daniel Sturridge
His surname was invented for poets who had nothing to rhyme 'courage' with.

10. Wayne Rooney
FOOTBALL FACT: I have scored the same amount of World Cup goals as Wayne Rooney.

11. Danny Welbeck
Visually reminiscent of 7-Up mascot, Fido Dido.

12. Chris Smalling
Smalling was personally selected by former Man Utd boss, Sir Alex Ferguson to be a defender at Old Trafford. This hasn't quite panned out, but he has since flourished in the HR department.

13. Ben Foster
The best player. Us Bens have to stick together.

14. Jordan Henderson
Has a name like the hardest kid on the estate.

15. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain
Has a name like the wimpiest kid on the estate.

16. Phil Jones
Have you seen the face on him? He looks like a constipated farmhand.

17. James Milner
Winner of 'Thickest Neck Award' at the last World Cup.

18. Rickie Lambert
Back in Sid Owen's Eastenders heyday, life was tough for this Liverpudlian striker.

19. Raheem Sterling
They all go on about how quick he is but whenever I bang on his front door, he takes ages to answer. Most of the time, he doesn't even bother.

20. Adam Lallana
The fact that fans don't chant his name to the tune of 'La Bamba' is everything that is wrong with this world.

21. Ross Barkley
Apparently, he was late for the team coach. I wouldn't have had that if I was Roy Hodgkinson. I'd have left him to make his own way and chucked his case into a puddle.

22. Fraser Forster
Fraser Forster found fifty five fingered ferrets farting furiously in his Ford Focus.

23. Luke Shaw
LUKE SHAW, GIVE EM HELL,
DRIBBLING DOWN THE WING LIKE A BRILLIANT GAZELLE.
LUKE SHAW, NA NA NA,
DOO DOO DOOBY DOO.
(1st draft of a new chant I'm working on.)

EXTRACT!

GAH!

Hello everybody. Sorry I haven't blogged for a while. It's not easy to fit it in when you're trying to respond to so many final demand letters messages from adoring fans.

Anyway, as a special treat, I am publishing an extract from a story I'm writing. I am not  in violation of any kind of contractual arrangement because I can't imagine anyone in their right mind wanting to publish this. It is the stupidest thing I have ever written. Which is probably why I'm enjoying it so much. It's working title is 'El Presidente.'

Freddie sat at the dinner table with his parents and Tadge. They were having chippy tea. Normally, Freddie would be delighted by this, but this time, he hadn’t even touched his jumbo saveloy.

                

‘Freddie,’ said Mum through a mouthful of doner meat. ‘I wish you wouldn’t keep secrets from us.’

                

‘What are you talking about?’ said Freddie as casually as he could, fully aware that she could have been talking about one of about three hundred things.

                

She swallowed and pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of her pocket. Straight away, Freddie knew what it was.

                

‘Ohhhhhh,’ he dropped his head into his hands.

               

‘What’s the matter with you? This is something to be proud of!’ she said.

               

‘What you talking about?’ said Dad, mopping up curry sauce with a slice of bread and butter.

                

‘How did you find that, anyway?’ said Freddie. ‘I hid it under my bed! What were you doing looking under my bed?’

                

‘For what?’ said Dad. ‘What is it?’

               

 ‘Well, I saw a thing on the telly about these new drugs kids are taking and I wanted to make sure you weren’t stashing any,’ she said.

                

‘Drugs? What drugs?’

                

‘Nothing wrong with drugs,’ said Tadge. ‘I did a bit of the herb when I was your age and it didn’t do me any harm.’

                

Everyone turned and looked at him. He had mushy peas in his beard and his t-shirt said ‘I Shot Mr Burns.’

                

‘I haven’t got any drugs!’ I said. ‘You wouldn’t even let me have a Vicks inhaler when I had a cold!’

                

‘Will someone tell me what’s going on?’ said Dad.

                

‘I am so proud of you, my boy,’ said Mum. ‘Shortlisted to paint a picture of the Prime Minister!’

                

Tadge threw his scallop down in disgust. ‘No way, my man. Don’t do it. Don’t shill for the Illuminati.’

                

‘Nonsense,’ said Dad. ‘You’re proud to be British, and you should be proud to paint our nation’s leader.’

                

‘Yeah, you should paint him,’ said Tadge. ‘With red paint . . . like the . . . blood on his, you know, hands.’

                

‘Go to your room, Tadge,’ said Mum.

                

Tadge stomped off upstairs and slammed his bedroom door. He was forty-two.

                

‘He just needs a moment to calm down,’ said Mum. ‘And when he does, you should talk to him. Tadge is a very talented artist.’

                

‘I don’t know about that,’ said Dad. ‘It’s that modern art rubbish. I’m not into it. Remember when we visited that snooty place and they kicked me out just for speaking the truth? I said ‘that’s not art, it’s a bed. That’s not art, it’s a wardrobe.’

                

‘We were in Ikea,’ said Freddie. ‘You were making a scene.’

                

‘Aaaaah,’ Dad waved him off. ‘I know good art when I see it, and what Tadge does ain’t good art.’

                

‘Well, what is good art, dear?’ said Mum.

               

‘You know . . .’ he reached across and speared Freddie’s saveloy with his fork. ‘That painting of the dogs playing cards, the little boy having a wee, Blackpool tower, that kind of thing.’

               

Freddie wondered how the hell he could have been named as one of the top Art students in his year with the genes he inherited. Trouble was, now his parents knew, there was no escaping it.

                

He had to think of something.

The Private Blog of Joe Cowley Book Launch

Last night was the launch for my first book, the Private Blog of Joe Cowley. I'm not very good at parties. This once I organised a Jubilee street party in Venice. Everybody drowned.

I knew I couldn't let that happen again, so I was extra careful when picking a venue for the launch. Originally, I had intended to try and hold it in a book shop, but then I realised that the only book shop in town is the one in the church, and I don't think they'd really go for it.

I said PISS BALLOONS, Reverend. Come on, lighten up.

So in the end, I decided to have the launch party in my old school. After all, it did partially inspire the book. The only snag with that was, my old school was completely demolished three years ago. Luckily, they'd built a snazzy new one in its place, complete with function rooms and a bar, so we had it there. I'm pretty sure the bar is closed during school hours.

Aaaanyway, much to my surprise, the launch went very well, thanks in no small part to my wife Hester organising the entire thing. If it was left to me, it would have been in a shed with a handful of party poppers. As it was, we had:

BUNTING!

BALLOONS!

CAKES!

CARROTS!

A 'DRAW YOUR OWN DOODLES' BOARD!

And most importantly . . .

PEOPLE!

Big thanks to everyone who came along. Hugs and kisses. x

With thanks to Julie Ellison for the cakes and Becky Clempson, Melanie Storer and Claire Jackson for the photos.

An Interview with Joe Cowley

Sophocles, Kant, Schopenhauer, that old bloke off Gogglebox. These are the great thinkers of human history. Joe Cowley is not in their league, regardless of what he might tell you. 

To celebrate the publication of the first volume of his secret online missives, I sat down with Joe for an exclusive interview. I wanted to find out more about the boy behind the blog.

I wish I hadn't bothered.

Hello Joe. Thanks for agreeing to do this interview.

Yeah. OK. Cheers.

Sorry, what’s this about again?

Nothing much. I just wanted to talk to you about your blog.

My blog? I haven’t got a blog. You must be thinking of some other person. Some blogger with the same name as me.

I mean, what is a blog anyway? My mate Ad thinks its what happens when you eat loads of blue smarties and then go for a dump.

So, as I was saying, I haven’t got a blog.

Who told you about my blog?

That’s not important.

Yes it cocking well is. It’s supposed to be private. I bet it was Gav. Sweet Jesus, that moron is determined to RUIN MY LIFE.

Calm down, Joe.

That’s it. I’m just going to have to leave the country. I hear nice things about Estonia.

It’s OK, you don’t have to leave the country. Tell me, why did you start your blog?

I suppose I did it to try and sort my life out. I mean, I just had so many bad things happen to me that I thought writing them down would help me make sense of them. And now it seems I have one more to add to the list.

So you had a lot of problems?

Did I have a lot of problems? That’s like asking Counsellor Troi if she has a lot of emphatic powers.

Um . . . does that mean yes?

You bet your stinking bum it does. I had so many problems, it would have made Jay Z cack himself.

Can you be more specific?

About Jay Z cacking himself?

No (takes a moment of compose myself) I meant about the problems that led you to start your blog.

All right. Try this on for size:

• ·       My so-called best mates were trying to get me killed in a bid to win £250 from You’ve Been Framed.
• ·         My arch-enemy Gav James’ campaign of terror against me showed no signs of letting up.
• ·         My parents got divorced.
• ·         I threw up over Louise Bentley at the fair after the waltzers made me nauseous.
• ·         I gained the nickname ‘Puke Skywalker’ at school for the above reason.
• ·         The love of my life, Lisa Hall didn’t even know I existed.
• ·         Even if she did, I couldn’t talk to her without going all weird. This once, she asked me the time, and I replied ‘September.’
• ·         IT WAS APRIL!

 That does sound like an awful lot to deal with. So, did keeping the blog help you sort your life out at all?

Did it hell. If anything, things got even more complicated.

So why did you keep it up?

I don't know, really. I suppose I like to think that thousands of years from now, when humanity is extinct and aliens come and look over the wreckage of our once-great civilisation, they will find my blog and figure out why we were doomed as a species.

You sound like a very gloomy person, Joe.

Wouldn’t you be, if you had my life?

Well, probably.

Anyway, enough about me. Who are you? Why are you asking me all these questions? Oh my God, are you an alien?

*Facepalms* Yes, Joe. I’m an alien.

Ah, brilliant. Can you take me back to your planet with you?

No. No I can’t.

[Sighs] Rejected again.

The Private Blog of Joe Cowley is available to buy from the following retailers:

Amazon

Waterstones

Foyles

The Book Depository

The Great British Bookshop

Hive

Just don't tell Joe.